Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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