I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
