you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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