I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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