I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
the day after is always just damage control
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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