Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
