I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
