i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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