he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
