Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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