marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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