I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
