After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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