im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
