The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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