remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
