Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
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I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
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I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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