YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
