I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
