Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Randomize
