if i can run in heels then i can drive
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
