im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
