I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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