Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
