i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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