If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
