I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
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