Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
