Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize