The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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