Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
