I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Mom said you looked used
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I wish there were birth control emojis
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
