I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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