I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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