I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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