did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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