I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.