this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
