And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
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All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
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I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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