please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
We talked him into tasing himself.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
