guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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