the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You ruined the universe
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
