i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
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it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
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I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking