I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...