I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.