Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
