tell your sister to shave her snatch
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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