There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Can Purell be used as lube?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
