Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
