I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
