Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
