It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
