oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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