i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
