I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
