He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Randomize
