woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
