I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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