So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
